I’ve only been in love two times in my life. Once when I was 15, again when I was 18. Each time I have been disappointed with the results and feeling of hopelessness it left me with. My last relationship was the one that tore me down the most. We were together for two years, and during that time I knew inside that he was the one for me, I just knew it! Little did I know, he was all a big lie. Everything about him was a lie. He lived a secret life beyond this perfect little cookie cutter relationship we had. That ruined my trust, with everyone. Completely. After the split, he told me to go kill myself and burn in hell. Not only did I attempt, but I failed for the third time. I went on search for the affection and attention he gave me in a physical way. I threw myself at guys, looking for anything to just make me feel like he did. It didn’t work. Then, I became a victim of rape. A little first base action took a home run quick no matter how hard I tried to push him off of me. I said no, I screamed no. But he didn’t care. It was quick. He didn’t hurt me physically, but at that moment I felt dead. Dead to the world. The spark had been lifted from my eyes, the smile was faked, and the tears never stopped. I’m so emotionally damaged that I really don’t know what else I can take. I’ve become this heartless monster that I don’t even recognize. I’m ruined, forever. And I’m stuck here to live with it because I can’t even take myself out of this world. One day, I’ll leave though. And that day will bring peace.
“Damon, will you have my babies?” :)
I’m so depressed. But it’s not even depression, it’s numb and empty. Who am I? I don’t recognize myself anymore and I don’t know what I’m doing with this life. No one will miss me. No one will even care. When it’s said and done, no one will remember me. I’m broken. I’m dead inside. I’m worthless. I’m done.
December 25, 2011